Sponsorship request

Hi advertisers and running related product suppliers.

Here is my list of ‘consumable’ items that I wish to receive sponsorships. My ultimate goal is to be the most sponsored recreational runner around. I run 10ish races a year, have my own run club and write this here blogger deal.
Here are the details of what you can expect when you sign me on as your athlete.

1. I am very loud. Can be heard over jet engines and crying babies in most situations
2. I will give your stuff away at an alarming rate.
3. I will crash parties of people I don't know and make them love your stuff.
4. My family always buys stuff I tell them too.
5. I can sit in a booth for minutes at a time.
6. My wife calls me a 'handshaker' as I am always striking up conversations with people I don't know, and making friends with them.
7. I blog, therefore I should be sponsored. Why, just this month my followers count has gone up by 2 3 people!
8. Kids and dogs LOVE me.
9. I am a GREAT before picture.

Sales pitch over, here is my list of available sponsorship openings...

• Cash. If you give me cash I will run for you. I will love you.
• Tigram TenToes (r), a pair of the awesome gloved shoes..., Sponsored as of July 15th, 2010
• Vibram Five Fingers, all types
• Gu. I love the Gu. Use it on all runs over 1 hour. I drink it and I gel it.
• HEED. I tried it, I liked it. Gu and and Heed, you guys battle it out for my devotion.
• Groceries. It takes a lot of time and energy to eat well. I will eat well if you give me the expensive organic greens and other shit that is good for you.
• Annuity funds, RRSP, RESP, IRA, Mortgage payments. nuff said.
• Cash. See above. Also, for the right amount of cash, I'll call out, by name in this blog, all the people who crossed me in the last year or two.
• Apparel. I love technical gear. Love it. Hats, bandanas, shirts, shorts, I'll try anything you send me and I will post a real review of the stuff.
• Shoes. well…
• Sunglasses. I like Oakley, but I'll wear whatever you send me.
• GPS devices. I LOVE technology.
• Music. I don’t run with it, but if you sent me some, I would.
• Backpacks, Hydration systems, fuel belts, ID stuff and any other awesome ‘attachments’ you can think of.
• Jenny Craig can come calling. I can’t afford her otherwise. 35lbs shed aught to give me the chance at a 1:40 half. During my recovery after that half I’ll go on live TV and beat the shit out of George Kastanza if JC sponsors me.
• Kestrel, Cervelo, Felt, Blue, Ridley, Colnago, or Ceepco bikes. Don’t care, i’ll take whatever you give me. I will train for Triathlon in your name.
• Cash sponsor for all of the above for 3 years, I will get a tattoo of your choosing on my ass and I will show to anyone who asks.
• Vacation Tour operators. I will run in all the places you send me and tell everyone about it.
• A coach. That would be amazing!!! I promise coach, i'll do you proud!
• A nurtitionist. F-U Jenny Craig. I got a nutritionist!... er... sorry Ms Craig. I still love you, if you sponsor me. unless I get a nutritionist, then F-U!

I think that’s all, I'll update this list as my needs change and the couriers arrive... any day now.