It will be pretty emotional I'm sure. We built this house, it was to be our dream house. It was originally a house to make up for the fact we couldn’t have kids of our own. We were D.I.N.K’s (double income no kids). We were living a dream life in suburbia. We weren’t happy tho. We went through the motions of life, but all along we were missing something. Pugs! Now we were D.I.L.D.O’s (Double income little dog owners). That was good for a while. But still we were missing a part of our life and at the time we didn’t know truly how much. After a miracle pregnancy and the subsequent loss of that pregnancy and all kinds of alternate therapies, we chose private adoption. We spent oodles of money for them to tell us all the disastrous things that can happen during the adoption process, then jumped through all the hoops to be accepted into the program, so that some unfortunate soul could choose us to give her baby to us the day it was born.
We were all ready. We filled out our order for what type/kind/color/size/health etc etc of baby we wanted and then we waited. (if you ever want to go through a gut wrenching process, fill out a form that asks questions like ‘Would you accept a baby that has cleft lip/ FAS/ any health issues?’ or ‘ Does knowing the history of the father affect your ability to accept a newborn?’ or ‘What color eyes would you like your baby to have?’
Yeah. that was a tough form to fill out.
Anyway. We were accepted and had just paid our non refundable lots of thousands of dollars to start being presented to birth mothers who would ultimately choose us. (interesting fact, the average age of birthmothers giving up a baby in Alberta is 21) (another interesting fact, a birthmother has 10 days after giving up her baby to ask for it back, and the adoptive parent are powerless to stop this… can you imagine?) (another interesting fact. If the birthmother has any costs related to therapy or legal fees, as they sometimes go to court to try unsuccessfully to get their baby back after the 10 days, ALL costs are the responsibility of the adoptive parents. So we would have to pay her costs to battle us in court). Just goes to show how important it is to some people. however…
… We became the cliche. 3 days later Traci came running down the stairs, tripped and fell the last 4 steps and crying showed me the positive preg test.
Lucky for us Traci was considered a high risk of lots of things, so we were treated to plenty of ultrasounds. The most important one being the 7 week US where we heard his heartbeat for the first time… here is an excerpt from a private blog I had at the time…
I am having a hell of a time containing myself. both of us were feeling like absolute crap yesterday (maybe edmontonchuck rubbed off on us), but holy moly, when the doc fires up the doppler and she lets us hear our babies heartbeat, it's all good. In fact, it so good it's indescribable. for a moment in time, when we hear the heartbeat, i melt into a big warm puddle.
I am looking forward to holding my baby.
Then a month later this one…
Wow!!! What a rush!!! The tech told us:
"It is DEFINITLY a boy"
"His brain is symmetrical"
"His Heart has all 4 chambers, is inside the rib cage and is beating normally"
"His stomach has fluid in it, so he can swallow properly"
"His bladder has fluid in it, so his kidneys are functioning properly"
"His stomach is below his heart, which is normal"
"His spine is normal"
"Hands, feet, fingers, and toes are are normal"
"The umbilical cord is present and contains all 3 tubes"
"You have a perfect baby, congratulations!"
She was moving the US around and she goes, "look, he's rubbing his face" HE WAS!! it was really cool! He was moving like crazy, she had a hard time keeping up to him. She took 5 very good pictures of him, and when she was taking them, you could see that his legs were bent like he was crouching, than all of a sudden he kicked! wow.
We go next Wednesday to get all the results at the doctors and we will know more details, like the heartrate, the exact due date etc...
So anyway, if you spend anytime here at all you know the rest of the story. We got Andrew out of the deal. We were asked if we wanted to go back into the adoption program but respectfully declined as we found what was missing.
Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the house. It was never meant to be what it became. Don’t get me wrong, I am going to miss parts of it, and we are literally leaving pieces of our hearts and souls behind (advice: never plant a tree in memorial in your yard to anything or anyone, and also, never give a tree for a present. Probably the saddest part about leaving is we planted a memorial tree to our unborn baby we lost and now we have to walk away from that along with a tree and lilac that my late grandpa gave us on his last visit here. But we do have pictures.)
It never became what it needed to become, and it wasn’t designed for a small family. the house we are going to is probably 200sq ft too small, it is a rental, but is in an amazing neighbourhood and I think is WAY closer to what we are supposed to live in, than the house we built.
For the first time in a couple years, after next Thurdsday when the new owners take possesion of the house we built, we can actually start to look forward again. to make plans to see new things, visit old friends, and spend some quality time with our families and ourselves. It’s been a long time since I had a day where I could go to work then come home and just sit and not worry about a multitude of things.
We are going to where we are supposed to be. At this moment. At this time.
Wow. This was going to be a blog about how cool the new ‘hood is… but I guess it needed be this… for lots of reasons.
One last thing. I love you Traci. I know this is an incredibly hard time right now, but by this time next week it will all start to be clear and the new awesome will start to show itself, but for now, I know what you are feeling like, I am right there with you, and my promise to you is, I am here. For whatever you need. (oh, yeah… go ahead and shop for the new sofa, i got you covered for that. we don’t need to bring our ratty love seat to our new nest)
PS to Traci, as of now, the ‘move rule’ has been invoked. (Move rule: Being that moving is incredibly stressful and terrible work, we are allowed to tell each other to Fuck Off, as necessary to alleviate frustration, without the other taking it personally)